First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
