the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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