Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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