hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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