I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
