When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
