but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
