2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
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My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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