The maid of honor just puked.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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