Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
