I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
