i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
