Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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