I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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