is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
