I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
