I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
