well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
