I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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