my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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