someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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