You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Another day, another engagement, another cat
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
