I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
