Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
