im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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