i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
