I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
