I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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