I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
