This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
