The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
