Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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