We won't sleep together?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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