dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
