2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a squirter
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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