my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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