I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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