It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
