fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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