My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize