I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
