Im at strip club and am horny
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.