So gin and wine won't be happening again
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
