she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just had sex on a roof
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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