You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
