I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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