why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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