Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
