If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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