I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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