remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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