Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
