i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
