If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
