I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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